Do you blame yourself?

When the world turn it’s back to you, do you blame the world or yourself?

I used to wonder why I am so good at blaming myself, that it feels more like my mother tongue. I don’t know how to speak or even talk to people about how I feel so I always consume, consume, and repeat. In this, I found a suffering pattern in me and it will repeat as long as I keep on watering the dead plant.

Why do I always be so hard on myself?

“Just don’t blame yourself, it’s not that hard,” they said. But have they ever felt that suffocating weight pressing you down, squeezing your nerves until you find it hard to breathe because blaming others feels too heavy to bear? I am so self aware to the point that every small ways of me hurting someone feels like being slowly trapped in a cage of my own making. I am a human, and I still often make mistakes too. So the thought of my negligence to hurt someone hurts me even more. I ended up blaming myself until my lips ran dry. I… I just want to stop being so aware of my own actions and act like how people normally do.

If only I don’t think too much…

Since then, I’ve been so afraid to open my mouth, fearing that every word or actions I did might hurt others— even though I never meant to. I sometimes wonder if others feel the same when they hurt me. Whether they do or not, I’m slowly beginning to realize that everyone has their own reasons, and never have I questioned myself in the same way.

When did blaming myself becomes more like a habit? Why can’t I tolerate myself as much as how I tolerate others?”

If only the world understands me, or kin me to their favor, things like this will not happen. I always have these inner monologues to myself just because I believe that somehow, happiness was not made for me. I keep on wondering what did I do to deserve this, and that I’m slowly accepting the fact that I deserve whatever awful treatment this world has given me.

If only the world realize how cruel it has been to me.

Sometimes, when you keep blaming yourself, you will find yourself trapped inside a cycle of self-destruction. It’s okay not to project your mistakes on other people, but when things go wrong and it’s something out of your reach— stop letting yourself on fire and say that you deserve it. I believe that we’re all meant to be happy before death greets us. Instead of blaming yourself, try to be more understanding to the world’s unfavorable challenges because it will slowly shape you into someone who knew how to endure and heal. Life may be a bitter journey, for you and for everyone. But remember this one thing: the world didn’t let you feel these feelings just to make you think like you deserve the pain.

— Notes from the writer behind the screen